This may make me less interesting

Tonight I once again spent my time doing otherwise than studying. I don't know that I would call it a waste of time (though certainly not an appropriate use of time given I have a test tomorrow). For the past few hours I have been consulting the likes of Shakespeare and the Bible for words of advice on how to behave like the kind of person I would like to be.

After around 2 months of partying and drinking I have come to the conclusion that this sort of behaviour does not attract the kind of person I want. I am, according to my beliefs, cheating on my future husband everytime I even have a lustful thought. I am dishonouring my body and God when I get drunk. And I am causing myself shame everytime I make an inappropriate joke or behave as though sex is not a sacred topic.

So, although I am Christian and not Muslim, for the remainder of the month of Ramadan I will behave in a godly manner. I may drink, but not to excess. I will not smoke, or engage in activity which is pleasure seeking at the risk of my health. I will be wise, but giving if appropriate, with my finances. I will exercise restraint and control my temper.

I will endevour to be kind, wise, modest, discerning, disciplined and honest. I will, to the best of my ability, do everything I can to be motivated by love in all my interactions with people. I will not make my mother feel guilty, avoid my brother and try to seduce whoever I feel might be receptive.

My body is sacred so, for the next month at least, I will look after it. I am going to join a gym. I am releasing my hatred towards my body. It is not completely broken yet and I can strengthen it with some care.

I will let go of my shame and anger towards myself and sig. I am not sure who instigated the kiss, I think I seemed more passionate..which worries me. I will let go of my worry. I can say it was only a kiss, and I suppose it was, but do I want to have meaningless kisses? Do I want meaningless sex? No, at this point no. I can't speak for the future, but for today, for this next month..no, I want to feel worthy of respect.