My heart is weird

Sorry that I've been MIA. I think I'm back now...we'll see.

On Tuesday sadness and mild relief flooded me. The status of the guy I've had a crush on for the last 4 years was changed from single to "in a relationship". Subtlety is not really a strong point of mine, so of course I immeadiatly sent through a message asking who the lucky girl was. He told me a year ago he wasn't interested and so I've tried to remain cool headed whilest near him and moved 1.5 hours away. As a result any passion or personality I possessed was hidden by distance (both emotional and physical). So I figured I had lost my chance to convince him that I am desirable. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder.

The next day I checked my email...it had been a prank. He is still single. What now? At first I saw this as the second chance I had wanted the night before. Deep inside though I wished it wasn't a prank. I want him happily off the market. Then I could move on. I feel this aweful obligation to wait for him to see and love me. It's senseless.

Last night I was on a pub crawl. It was the strangest one of my life. Just months ago I remember sitting on a window sill, alone in the Lowenbrau (german pub in the rocks, sydney), just watching. No-one talking to me, and that was the way I liked it. That was the equivelent pub crawl I was on last night. Except this time I spoke to so many people, and had so many people I wanted to speak to (and who wanted to speak to me) I could hardly walk two meters without joining another conversation or being hugged. I had to excuse myself to talk to other people on quite a few occassions. I've never felt so liked. It was such a foreign feeling. I felt attractive, confident...shocked. Why were all these people being so friendly? I didn't even know they knew my name. I still don't understand.

I was stupid later that night. There were few people left and I saw a guy I had met a few days earlier. I danced with him. He got close and I thought "why not let him? Nobody is here. There are no cameras." He wanted to kiss me and I thought "why not? I need practice.". Please realise, this is now the 3rd guy in my whole life I've kissed. I will turn 25 this year (Damn, 25!). I think I did ok. I had smoked not long before (don't chastise me!) and my breath was thorougly disgusting I'm sure. He had been chewing gum, which of course made his intentions blatently obvious. The kissing was technically better that my first and only boyfriend, mostly because I had more of an idea of what you're meant to do when a guy sticks his tongue in your mouth (I did a search on youtube). But of the 3 kissers I think I desired no. 3 the least. There was no chemisty. It was passionless and boring. It was like someone head-butting me with his lips. Way too hard and he was hurting my neck. I think no. 2 was the best kisser, even though he didn't use his tongue (or maybe because he didn't). I think he'd make a good lover...which I wouldn't really have expected from him.

I getting sidetracked.

Today though I felt gross and cheap. I gave no.3 my phone no. He didn't call or even message. That's ok. He's a dickhead.

My flatmate, a Korean woman of 28, was so drunk and crazy we couldn't get her into the taxi. She wanted to walk home. I hopped out of the taxi and prevented my male bangladeshi flatmate from getting in and off we went. An hour later we arrived home. At one stage I had to put on my high heels so she could walk in my flat shoes. Then I stayed awake for another hour because I knew that something was bothering her and she needed to talk. She told me she feels lonely and she wants to try to become a part of the close group that I have with two of my flatmates. How do you tell someone they are wanting the impossible? It took 6 months, effort and luck to form those relationships. R and T (the 2 flatmates I'm speaking about) have lived over a year together.

I went to bed at 5am (incidently the time it is now). I forced myself out of bed at 9am for work. I came home, slept, etc. I later spoke to a guy who lives in my building called J. We chatted for hours and he cooked me dinner. My gosh he is a remarkable person! But I think he has a girlfriend and anyway, he is only 19! When I gratuated high school, he began it. Urgh!

But he is more amazing even then Nick (my crush of 4 years). He is so intellegent. He speaks Hungarian; loves Physics, science and history, and he volunteers for a student exchange organisation. He plays the violin, viola and the mandolin. When I saw his mandolin I cried! (How embarrasing!!!) It was the most beautiful object I have ever held. To be allowed to be so close to such magnificence was one thing, oh! But to hold it! It was bitter sweet bliss. It was like swimming inside a history book.

I want to tell you something weird now. Years ago I went to the easter show. I bought a showbag with about 5 stuffed toys. One of them was a stuffed green teddy bear. For some reason I loved this bear the moment I saw it. And the moment I first saw it I knew it's name...Fergus. It's not the sort of name I commonly use. It came from nowhere. It wasn't even like I named it, Fergus was just his name. I put Fergus on a shelf with all the other trinkets I bought as "just in case" presents. No matter how much I tried I just couldn't bring myself to give him away. When I moved out of home last year I was going to leave everything I didn't need at home. But I wanted Fergus, so he came with me. I've moved twice since and he is still with me. So, what is my point? Ah! Guess what J's nickname is? Fergus.