How do I know?

I'm feeling hurt. I'm naming my friend whom I almost slept with Amon - In Egyptian mythology he was originally a god of the wind and the air and this name possibly means "hidden one". I have named his this because I feel as though he is hiding from me. It not like I saw him much before, but there is a distinctly different feel to his lack of presence lately.

I sent him a message yesterday saying that I heard he is back with his girlfriend and I'll probably be around if he wants to talk. He never responded. I just feel like I needed a response. He is not my boyfriend, I know. I don't want him to be my boyfriend...but I do want him as a friend. I don't want to lose him. Maybe it would be better for me though. I need re-birth. I need to regain my faith and ability to love. I do not show love like I once did. I have lost all wisdom by being around the unwise. But I do sense wisdom in him. I sense his ability to love and care for others. It does not surprise me he returned to his ex. I more than expected it. It would've surprised me deeply if they had remained apart. He isn't capable of cutting himself off from those he loves...like I have been learning to do. I want to lose this ability. I am losing it...which is why I find it difficult to let Amon go.

I need to investigate my motives though. I am not certain whether my desire to be there for him is because I want to feel important and trusted, or because I genuinely and unselfishly want to be there for him. I think at the moment the majority of my motivation is selfish. I don't want to feel obselete and be cast aside. But what is the unselfish thing to do? He must have other friends..do I trust that he can talk to them and wait for him to want me (if he ever does). Do I go over there and try to get his attention? I don't want to push myself on him. He is probably fine without me. But the thing is...I've been the person everyone thought was fine. I've been a person who has self-inflicted burns all up her arms and on her thighs and nobody has said anything because they just assumed there must be a logical explanantion. People hurt..and sometimes it takes specific people to care...am I needed? Or do I just want to be important? How can I know?