Misery just wont leave me alone

I am back living with my parents. I hate it. With every part of me I hate it. I love my Dad. I hate my mother. I don't know how to pretend I don't. She is overseas in China for 2 months, one month left of freedom. Not that it's possible to feel free when living in a house haunted with the bad memories that molded me. I remember when I was six I was playing on... I don't know how to describe it... a great big metal monstrosity with a basket ball hoop. The metal slid and sliced off a good chunk of my palm. I cried for a bit until mum slapped me and told me it was time to go in for church. There wasn't alot of blood and I stopped crying. It still hurt though. I remember when the pastor was giving his message I adjusted my sleeve and the missing chunk of flesh fell out. I was fascinated by it. I could see layers. It stayed in a jar in my room for a little while until I lost it. Ten years later and you can still clearly see the scar. But that isn't even the biggest reason I hate that woman. I hate her for so many reasons. I remember a time when I was sick. I must've been around 9 years old. She had this rule that I had to be sick for 3 days before she would take me to see a doctor. On the second day I got up in the morning and tried to make it to the kitchen to get water. I managed to make it to the lounge before I passed out. I was feverish, weak, and hallucinating so when she came home from work I told her I needed to see a doctor. She took me. We waited for over an hour. When the doctor saw me he told her I had meningitis and she should've taken me to an emergency room. That if I had been left alone for even another hour I could've died. I remember trying to laugh. The next thing I remember was waking up on an IV drip. I personally think I sustained some brain damage because I haven't been the same since. This still isn't my number one reason for hating her though.

How do I know?

I'm feeling hurt. I'm naming my friend whom I almost slept with Amon - In Egyptian mythology he was originally a god of the wind and the air and this name possibly means "hidden one". I have named his this because I feel as though he is hiding from me. It not like I saw him much before, but there is a distinctly different feel to his lack of presence lately.

I sent him a message yesterday saying that I heard he is back with his girlfriend and I'll probably be around if he wants to talk. He never responded. I just feel like I needed a response. He is not my boyfriend, I know. I don't want him to be my boyfriend...but I do want him as a friend. I don't want to lose him. Maybe it would be better for me though. I need re-birth. I need to regain my faith and ability to love. I do not show love like I once did. I have lost all wisdom by being around the unwise. But I do sense wisdom in him. I sense his ability to love and care for others. It does not surprise me he returned to his ex. I more than expected it. It would've surprised me deeply if they had remained apart. He isn't capable of cutting himself off from those he loves...like I have been learning to do. I want to lose this ability. I am losing it...which is why I find it difficult to let Amon go.

I need to investigate my motives though. I am not certain whether my desire to be there for him is because I want to feel important and trusted, or because I genuinely and unselfishly want to be there for him. I think at the moment the majority of my motivation is selfish. I don't want to feel obselete and be cast aside. But what is the unselfish thing to do? He must have other friends..do I trust that he can talk to them and wait for him to want me (if he ever does). Do I go over there and try to get his attention? I don't want to push myself on him. He is probably fine without me. But the thing is...I've been the person everyone thought was fine. I've been a person who has self-inflicted burns all up her arms and on her thighs and nobody has said anything because they just assumed there must be a logical explanantion. People hurt..and sometimes it takes specific people to care...am I needed? Or do I just want to be important? How can I know?

I thought we were friends

Raw anger
Violent trembling
every muscle in my body convulses
nauseous I weep
til the tears dry up
the salt stinging my skin
where I tried to scratch away the tears
my scalp is raw
dried blood from scraping and pulling at my hair
my left wrist has blisters
from trying to burn myself to distraction
these zombies eyes are blinded
through too much light they see a ghost in the mirror
my breasts are bruised from your teeth
and I ache everywhere you touched me
your poking, prodding, searching fingers
I can’t burn them away
I can’t scratch, or pull, or scrub them away
I can’t separate myself from this flesh
this pitiful, swollen creature
which I blame almost as much as you

Please don't...

Don’t leave me
I need you to stay
I’m scared to be alone

Don’t let me go
If I go out
someone might take advantage

Don’t hold me
but I need to feel loved
I’m so hurt I’m crying

Don’t kiss me
A kiss means nothing
So how can I say don’t kiss me

Don’t touch me
please I thought you were safe
I lean away and you think I’m drawing you onto me

Don’t hurt me
I thought we were friends
you can’t use my weakness against me

Don’t stop
I’ve been rejected before
I can’t cope with it again

Don’t leave me
You’ve hurt me so much
but I’m so scared to be alone

I must never be alone with a guy

Until a couple of months ago it had been 4 years since my last boyfriend. Then I dated a guy in my apartment block for about 2 weeks before we broke up. Since then I've ended up almost sleeping with 2 other guys. This makes almost 3 guys I came VERY near to having sex with within about a 3 month period. I am, unbelievably, still a virgin.

The 1st was a guy, my 2 week boyfriend, never actually took me out. To be honest I don't think either of us really viewed it as a relationship. He just showed me attention and I was so scared of losing another guy to the "just friends" trap. We were physical though, but I never saw his without his pants. We broke up and now he has a girlfriend he goes everywhere with.

The night we broke up I went into the common room. (Where I live is a small student residence of about 10 townhouses) I ran into the friend of an ex-flatmate and he could see I was upset so he offered me a drink and so we had a drink in his kitchen. Then we went to his bedroom to watch a movie. He kept trying to kiss me and I kept saying no and he was like "sorry, sorry...stay!" We did make out for a bit since I (inevitably) gave in. He got way more touchy, obviously thinking he was about to get some action. I managed to leave when I realised he'd undone my bra! I shouldn't have gone back into his room on another day but I did, told him I wasn't interested in him and felt so guilty I woul've slept with him if he had had condoms in the room. I didn't even like him! But who wouldn't take no for an answer, and I find it so hard to say no.

The most recent is a friend who I asked to help me to say no in a way the other would understand. I told this guy friend about my problem with pretty much doing whatever I was told once I was alone in a guys bedroom. He is a friend, he'd just broken up with his girlfriend after 9 months and he still loves her. I thought I was safe. We went to his bedroom, it was cold outside, his loungeroom was full of his flatemates friends, and we were having a pretty private conversation so it seemed logical to go somewhere private and indoors.

We were talking, and I leaned back...I needed more space, I was leaning away...he thought I was being suggestive since we were on his bed. I didn't want to say I didn't want to kiss him because one day I might've, just not then...but I didn't want to lose the chance forever.

He kissed me and I did lean back onto the bed, I thought it would stop soon, but it didn't...and soon I went on autopilot...where all I want is to be wanted and I will do anything I'm asked..and more just to feel like I'm desirable.

He started telling me that I'm special, that I'm valuable and I started crying and trembling because it was too much. It's the stuff I always wanted to hear but now I no longer believe. He said it was ok, we could just be friends...and that he was "turned off". I couldn't deal with that. "Just friends?", "turned off?". After I'm already naked and vulnerable in his bed? So I tried to convince him I was ok. He resisted a little, then he looked at me and said "I really could ask you to do anything and you would do it, wouldn't you?". I told him I wasn't sure, but probably. He said "Ok, give me head and let me blow all over your face" - he knew I'd never given a blow job before. He thought I'd say no. But I said I'd prefer he not blow on my face. He was surprised, he said he'd tried to think of the most horrible thing he could. But then again, he still wanted me to do it. So I did, and he enjoyed. He never orgasmed though. I think he felt as wrong about it as I did.

He still loves his girlfriend though, and I wish it had never happened. I feel used. How can I still be friends with him? But I don't think I can deal with losing another guy who has had me so completely in his control.

Love me, hate me...just hold me

Your silence cuts me deeper
than the harshes curses
spat into my face

I need to feel your touch
even if hurled in hatred

Longingly I stalk the courtyard
Yearning to see you
but you are never where I can find you

Hungrily I seek to fulfil these cravings
the emptiness only deepens

I look like I’m having so much fun
Dancing, kissing, smiling

But I’m dying

I simply get dirtier
hatred spills like fire
venom erupts from inside me
I am poison
I am the lonliness that leads to desperation
I am the walking plague

I do anything to feel loved
but in the morning they will not call
and your friends will tell you what they saw
and you will hate me…I hope
or do I not matter enough for that?

Perhaps I'm being just a little paranoid.

I might be being irrational but i'm scared. Last night at about 1:00am (while I was still passed out - about 2 hours before I woke up and got friendly with a neighbour) J came back to my apartment. He was (I've been told) a bit drunk and gleeful about scoring a goon bag (wine cask with the box removed - a look I detest) for $2.

Why would he be coming back to my flat the same night we had undertaken such a serious discussion? Why the goon? Actually the goon makes sense - I'm more worried about what he was planning with his extra "courage". Was he going to dump me? Did he want some make-up action? Why the heck was he here?!? I'm panicking. I don't have the nerves for this.