Until a couple of months ago it had been 4 years since my last boyfriend. Then I dated a guy in my apartment block for about 2 weeks before we broke up. Since then I've ended up almost sleeping with 2 other guys. This makes almost 3 guys I came VERY near to having sex with within about a 3 month period. I am, unbelievably, still a virgin.
The 1st was a guy, my 2 week boyfriend, never actually took me out. To be honest I don't think either of us really viewed it as a relationship. He just showed me attention and I was so scared of losing another guy to the "just friends" trap. We were physical though, but I never saw his without his pants. We broke up and now he has a girlfriend he goes everywhere with.
The night we broke up I went into the common room. (Where I live is a small student residence of about 10 townhouses) I ran into the friend of an ex-flatmate and he could see I was upset so he offered me a drink and so we had a drink in his kitchen. Then we went to his bedroom to watch a movie. He kept trying to kiss me and I kept saying no and he was like "sorry, sorry...stay!" We did make out for a bit since I (inevitably) gave in. He got way more touchy, obviously thinking he was about to get some action. I managed to leave when I realised he'd undone my bra! I shouldn't have gone back into his room on another day but I did, told him I wasn't interested in him and felt so guilty I woul've slept with him if he had had condoms in the room. I didn't even like him! But who wouldn't take no for an answer, and I find it so hard to say no.
The most recent is a friend who I asked to help me to say no in a way the other would understand. I told this guy friend about my problem with pretty much doing whatever I was told once I was alone in a guys bedroom. He is a friend, he'd just broken up with his girlfriend after 9 months and he still loves her. I thought I was safe. We went to his bedroom, it was cold outside, his loungeroom was full of his flatemates friends, and we were having a pretty private conversation so it seemed logical to go somewhere private and indoors.
We were talking, and I leaned back...I needed more space, I was leaning away...he thought I was being suggestive since we were on his bed. I didn't want to say I didn't want to kiss him because one day I might've, just not then...but I didn't want to lose the chance forever.
He kissed me and I did lean back onto the bed, I thought it would stop soon, but it didn't...and soon I went on autopilot...where all I want is to be wanted and I will do anything I'm asked..and more just to feel like I'm desirable.
He started telling me that I'm special, that I'm valuable and I started crying and trembling because it was too much. It's the stuff I always wanted to hear but now I no longer believe. He said it was ok, we could just be friends...and that he was "turned off". I couldn't deal with that. "Just friends?", "turned off?". After I'm already naked and vulnerable in his bed? So I tried to convince him I was ok. He resisted a little, then he looked at me and said "I really could ask you to do anything and you would do it, wouldn't you?". I told him I wasn't sure, but probably. He said "Ok, give me head and let me blow all over your face" - he knew I'd never given a blow job before. He thought I'd say no. But I said I'd prefer he not blow on my face. He was surprised, he said he'd tried to think of the most horrible thing he could. But then again, he still wanted me to do it. So I did, and he enjoyed. He never orgasmed though. I think he felt as wrong about it as I did.
He still loves his girlfriend though, and I wish it had never happened. I feel used. How can I still be friends with him? But I don't think I can deal with losing another guy who has had me so completely in his control.
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