How do I know?

I'm feeling hurt. I'm naming my friend whom I almost slept with Amon - In Egyptian mythology he was originally a god of the wind and the air and this name possibly means "hidden one". I have named his this because I feel as though he is hiding from me. It not like I saw him much before, but there is a distinctly different feel to his lack of presence lately.

I sent him a message yesterday saying that I heard he is back with his girlfriend and I'll probably be around if he wants to talk. He never responded. I just feel like I needed a response. He is not my boyfriend, I know. I don't want him to be my boyfriend...but I do want him as a friend. I don't want to lose him. Maybe it would be better for me though. I need re-birth. I need to regain my faith and ability to love. I do not show love like I once did. I have lost all wisdom by being around the unwise. But I do sense wisdom in him. I sense his ability to love and care for others. It does not surprise me he returned to his ex. I more than expected it. It would've surprised me deeply if they had remained apart. He isn't capable of cutting himself off from those he loves...like I have been learning to do. I want to lose this ability. I am losing it...which is why I find it difficult to let Amon go.

I need to investigate my motives though. I am not certain whether my desire to be there for him is because I want to feel important and trusted, or because I genuinely and unselfishly want to be there for him. I think at the moment the majority of my motivation is selfish. I don't want to feel obselete and be cast aside. But what is the unselfish thing to do? He must have other friends..do I trust that he can talk to them and wait for him to want me (if he ever does). Do I go over there and try to get his attention? I don't want to push myself on him. He is probably fine without me. But the thing is...I've been the person everyone thought was fine. I've been a person who has self-inflicted burns all up her arms and on her thighs and nobody has said anything because they just assumed there must be a logical explanantion. People hurt..and sometimes it takes specific people to care...am I needed? Or do I just want to be important? How can I know?

I thought we were friends

Raw anger
Violent trembling
every muscle in my body convulses
nauseous I weep
til the tears dry up
the salt stinging my skin
where I tried to scratch away the tears
my scalp is raw
dried blood from scraping and pulling at my hair
my left wrist has blisters
from trying to burn myself to distraction
these zombies eyes are blinded
through too much light they see a ghost in the mirror
my breasts are bruised from your teeth
and I ache everywhere you touched me
your poking, prodding, searching fingers
I can’t burn them away
I can’t scratch, or pull, or scrub them away
I can’t separate myself from this flesh
this pitiful, swollen creature
which I blame almost as much as you

Please don't...

Don’t leave me
I need you to stay
I’m scared to be alone

Don’t let me go
If I go out
someone might take advantage

Don’t hold me
but I need to feel loved
I’m so hurt I’m crying

Don’t kiss me
A kiss means nothing
So how can I say don’t kiss me

Don’t touch me
please I thought you were safe
I lean away and you think I’m drawing you onto me

Don’t hurt me
I thought we were friends
you can’t use my weakness against me

Don’t stop
I’ve been rejected before
I can’t cope with it again

Don’t leave me
You’ve hurt me so much
but I’m so scared to be alone

I must never be alone with a guy

Until a couple of months ago it had been 4 years since my last boyfriend. Then I dated a guy in my apartment block for about 2 weeks before we broke up. Since then I've ended up almost sleeping with 2 other guys. This makes almost 3 guys I came VERY near to having sex with within about a 3 month period. I am, unbelievably, still a virgin.

The 1st was a guy, my 2 week boyfriend, never actually took me out. To be honest I don't think either of us really viewed it as a relationship. He just showed me attention and I was so scared of losing another guy to the "just friends" trap. We were physical though, but I never saw his without his pants. We broke up and now he has a girlfriend he goes everywhere with.

The night we broke up I went into the common room. (Where I live is a small student residence of about 10 townhouses) I ran into the friend of an ex-flatmate and he could see I was upset so he offered me a drink and so we had a drink in his kitchen. Then we went to his bedroom to watch a movie. He kept trying to kiss me and I kept saying no and he was like "sorry, sorry...stay!" We did make out for a bit since I (inevitably) gave in. He got way more touchy, obviously thinking he was about to get some action. I managed to leave when I realised he'd undone my bra! I shouldn't have gone back into his room on another day but I did, told him I wasn't interested in him and felt so guilty I woul've slept with him if he had had condoms in the room. I didn't even like him! But who wouldn't take no for an answer, and I find it so hard to say no.

The most recent is a friend who I asked to help me to say no in a way the other would understand. I told this guy friend about my problem with pretty much doing whatever I was told once I was alone in a guys bedroom. He is a friend, he'd just broken up with his girlfriend after 9 months and he still loves her. I thought I was safe. We went to his bedroom, it was cold outside, his loungeroom was full of his flatemates friends, and we were having a pretty private conversation so it seemed logical to go somewhere private and indoors.

We were talking, and I leaned back...I needed more space, I was leaning away...he thought I was being suggestive since we were on his bed. I didn't want to say I didn't want to kiss him because one day I might've, just not then...but I didn't want to lose the chance forever.

He kissed me and I did lean back onto the bed, I thought it would stop soon, but it didn't...and soon I went on autopilot...where all I want is to be wanted and I will do anything I'm asked..and more just to feel like I'm desirable.

He started telling me that I'm special, that I'm valuable and I started crying and trembling because it was too much. It's the stuff I always wanted to hear but now I no longer believe. He said it was ok, we could just be friends...and that he was "turned off". I couldn't deal with that. "Just friends?", "turned off?". After I'm already naked and vulnerable in his bed? So I tried to convince him I was ok. He resisted a little, then he looked at me and said "I really could ask you to do anything and you would do it, wouldn't you?". I told him I wasn't sure, but probably. He said "Ok, give me head and let me blow all over your face" - he knew I'd never given a blow job before. He thought I'd say no. But I said I'd prefer he not blow on my face. He was surprised, he said he'd tried to think of the most horrible thing he could. But then again, he still wanted me to do it. So I did, and he enjoyed. He never orgasmed though. I think he felt as wrong about it as I did.

He still loves his girlfriend though, and I wish it had never happened. I feel used. How can I still be friends with him? But I don't think I can deal with losing another guy who has had me so completely in his control.