I have been gone in my mind for the past month or so. Drifting. My eyes can barely cope with the light. They sting. My heart feels crumbled. My soul feels distant...as though it has decided to abandon me. I feel disconnected.
Where have I been this past month? I did not even realise I had been gone. I've been behind a door dreading the world beyond. I have vague memories of not wanting to open my bedroom door, of hearing people stiring beyond and waiting, breathless, for the silence that would herald their absence.
I think I have been going to uni, my mind is cloudy for some reason. People at uni say they havn't seen me for a while.
My flatmates have asked me where I've been...have I been home to my parents house?
I missed my brothers birthday. He came from Melbourne, my mum says she told me. She said she had only spoken to me a few days before his arrival. Yes...yes...we did speak. I can hardly remember it. I haven't seen my family for a while. I did go to their house a couple of times...they weren't home. All that was left to show I had been there were a few empty bottles of beer. But a couple of times is not a month.
My Church friends don't know where I've been. I havn't seen them properly in a few months. A few brief glimpses. My presence occassionally, but only the presence of a ghost.
I haven't posted here for almost a month either. So I havn't been on the internet.
Where have I been? Sleeping? I think I must've been. Because I really didn't realise I was gone, but I still feel vacant, empty, lost.
I am lost. How do I find a path back? How do I become part of this world?
Monday, October 22, 2007
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
I lasted 8 days...
I officially lack self-control. After deciding a little over a week ago to spend one month behaving myself I have managed to screw up completely. I was more trashed last night than I have ever been..except that one time in Cambodia, and perhaps more than that one time.
Last night my flat held a cocktail party and I drank to ridiculous excess. I threw up a little..I never throw up. I remember most of the night..but apparently not all. I don't think I made out with anyone though so that's a good thing.
I feel ill. I feel cheap. I feel very, very dissapointed in myself.
Really, how could I do this to myself? I cannot believe I only lasted about 8 days.
I drank on Saturday too, not so much but enough that I made a fool of myself by acting like a tart to screw with the mind of Sig. Why do I care anyway? Sigs a dickhead, why am I wasting my time.
Have I mentioned Sig has another girlfriend? Some girl from Tassie who suits him to a Tee. Only she's actually quite nice. Problem is that my first impression was that she was a skanky whore so I thought I dance a little dirty with her when Sig was watching. Now she thinks I'm into her. I do like flirting with her though because it feels safe. So that was my tart-like behaviour on sat. I also acted a little like a tart last night too. I have some photos on my camera that look like I'm ready to make out with her. Her head is on Sig's lap, my hands are under her head..so on Sigs lap. I did manage to move my hands so as NOT to have them placed on Sigs genitalia.
Back to Sig being a dickhead. He breaks up with his girlfriend, after abusing her for months behind her back - making her out to be a "psycho bitch". He tells people she's got mental problems (she has chronic fatigue syndrome). While he is still dating her he tells people he is "technically single" and persues mltiple girls who reject him because they have some self-respect. He kisses me, then produces another girlfriend (within the week) who is apparently moving out here. What an absolute wanker! Oh..and apparently he told one of my friends I was his girlfriend (vomit) and last night he said to me that "apparently you can't resist me" (up chuck reflex).
Well "Fuck you Sig!" I may have issues resisting alcohol and your skinny one-eyed girlfriend, but I think you're a revolting excuse for a maggot and that aint hard to resist.
(Damn..I accidently posted this on the blog people who know me see..like sig, I've removed it now *whew*)
Last night my flat held a cocktail party and I drank to ridiculous excess. I threw up a little..I never throw up. I remember most of the night..but apparently not all. I don't think I made out with anyone though so that's a good thing.
I feel ill. I feel cheap. I feel very, very dissapointed in myself.
Really, how could I do this to myself? I cannot believe I only lasted about 8 days.
I drank on Saturday too, not so much but enough that I made a fool of myself by acting like a tart to screw with the mind of Sig. Why do I care anyway? Sigs a dickhead, why am I wasting my time.
Have I mentioned Sig has another girlfriend? Some girl from Tassie who suits him to a Tee. Only she's actually quite nice. Problem is that my first impression was that she was a skanky whore so I thought I dance a little dirty with her when Sig was watching. Now she thinks I'm into her. I do like flirting with her though because it feels safe. So that was my tart-like behaviour on sat. I also acted a little like a tart last night too. I have some photos on my camera that look like I'm ready to make out with her. Her head is on Sig's lap, my hands are under her head..so on Sigs lap. I did manage to move my hands so as NOT to have them placed on Sigs genitalia.
Back to Sig being a dickhead. He breaks up with his girlfriend, after abusing her for months behind her back - making her out to be a "psycho bitch". He tells people she's got mental problems (she has chronic fatigue syndrome). While he is still dating her he tells people he is "technically single" and persues mltiple girls who reject him because they have some self-respect. He kisses me, then produces another girlfriend (within the week) who is apparently moving out here. What an absolute wanker! Oh..and apparently he told one of my friends I was his girlfriend (vomit) and last night he said to me that "apparently you can't resist me" (up chuck reflex).
Well "Fuck you Sig!" I may have issues resisting alcohol and your skinny one-eyed girlfriend, but I think you're a revolting excuse for a maggot and that aint hard to resist.
(Damn..I accidently posted this on the blog people who know me see..like sig, I've removed it now *whew*)
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Oh the humiliation!
I hate my body. I mean I absolutley HATE it. What's new you ask? Well, rememeber that roomate I mentioned a few weeks ago? I called him Bill. When I went to the pub whilest showing cleavage? Yeah? The one who never looked at my cheast. Well, now the poor man has seen me completely naked..in all my cellulite covered, hairy, wobblyness. It turns out I didn't shut my door properly so when he knocked *squeek*...the door opened. I had just been trying on a bathing suit, taken it off and (still naked) started checking the internet for the prices of the local pool. Instead of sitting, which woud've given me some desk coverage, I was kneeling on my seat scratching the stubble of my bikini line wondering if it was long enough to wax yet. This could've looked so freaking dodgy...and I can't bring it up to explain what I was doing in case he didn't notice.
So, he said "shit" I repeatedly said "fuck!" and there goes my attempts to not swear.
I could kinda deal with it if it wasn't for the fact I had tried on a number of bikinis which made my body look...vomit worthy. So I was already feeling a deeper sense of lothing for my physique than usual.
I went swimming. Was upsettingly slow. I was happy when one woman asked my where I got my swimsuit from, I told her K-Mart. Was feeling a bit happy until it occured to me that she was pregnant..and having pregnant woment wanting to know where to buy you swimsuit might not be as good a thing as I would like.
Still, I can't do anything accept to change the past, the best I can do is try to improve this fleshy mess I 'm wearing. So, I'll keep donning the bathers and using a gym.
So, he said "shit" I repeatedly said "fuck!" and there goes my attempts to not swear.
I could kinda deal with it if it wasn't for the fact I had tried on a number of bikinis which made my body look...vomit worthy. So I was already feeling a deeper sense of lothing for my physique than usual.
I went swimming. Was upsettingly slow. I was happy when one woman asked my where I got my swimsuit from, I told her K-Mart. Was feeling a bit happy until it occured to me that she was pregnant..and having pregnant woment wanting to know where to buy you swimsuit might not be as good a thing as I would like.
Still, I can't do anything accept to change the past, the best I can do is try to improve this fleshy mess I 'm wearing. So, I'll keep donning the bathers and using a gym.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
This may make me less interesting
Tonight I once again spent my time doing otherwise than studying. I don't know that I would call it a waste of time (though certainly not an appropriate use of time given I have a test tomorrow). For the past few hours I have been consulting the likes of Shakespeare and the Bible for words of advice on how to behave like the kind of person I would like to be.
After around 2 months of partying and drinking I have come to the conclusion that this sort of behaviour does not attract the kind of person I want. I am, according to my beliefs, cheating on my future husband everytime I even have a lustful thought. I am dishonouring my body and God when I get drunk. And I am causing myself shame everytime I make an inappropriate joke or behave as though sex is not a sacred topic.
So, although I am Christian and not Muslim, for the remainder of the month of Ramadan I will behave in a godly manner. I may drink, but not to excess. I will not smoke, or engage in activity which is pleasure seeking at the risk of my health. I will be wise, but giving if appropriate, with my finances. I will exercise restraint and control my temper.
I will endevour to be kind, wise, modest, discerning, disciplined and honest. I will, to the best of my ability, do everything I can to be motivated by love in all my interactions with people. I will not make my mother feel guilty, avoid my brother and try to seduce whoever I feel might be receptive.
My body is sacred so, for the next month at least, I will look after it. I am going to join a gym. I am releasing my hatred towards my body. It is not completely broken yet and I can strengthen it with some care.
I will let go of my shame and anger towards myself and sig. I am not sure who instigated the kiss, I think I seemed more passionate..which worries me. I will let go of my worry. I can say it was only a kiss, and I suppose it was, but do I want to have meaningless kisses? Do I want meaningless sex? No, at this point no. I can't speak for the future, but for today, for this next month..no, I want to feel worthy of respect.
After around 2 months of partying and drinking I have come to the conclusion that this sort of behaviour does not attract the kind of person I want. I am, according to my beliefs, cheating on my future husband everytime I even have a lustful thought. I am dishonouring my body and God when I get drunk. And I am causing myself shame everytime I make an inappropriate joke or behave as though sex is not a sacred topic.
So, although I am Christian and not Muslim, for the remainder of the month of Ramadan I will behave in a godly manner. I may drink, but not to excess. I will not smoke, or engage in activity which is pleasure seeking at the risk of my health. I will be wise, but giving if appropriate, with my finances. I will exercise restraint and control my temper.
I will endevour to be kind, wise, modest, discerning, disciplined and honest. I will, to the best of my ability, do everything I can to be motivated by love in all my interactions with people. I will not make my mother feel guilty, avoid my brother and try to seduce whoever I feel might be receptive.
My body is sacred so, for the next month at least, I will look after it. I am going to join a gym. I am releasing my hatred towards my body. It is not completely broken yet and I can strengthen it with some care.
I will let go of my shame and anger towards myself and sig. I am not sure who instigated the kiss, I think I seemed more passionate..which worries me. I will let go of my worry. I can say it was only a kiss, and I suppose it was, but do I want to have meaningless kisses? Do I want meaningless sex? No, at this point no. I can't speak for the future, but for today, for this next month..no, I want to feel worthy of respect.
Friday, September 14, 2007
I'm probably going to quit smoking.
Oh my gosh! My head is absolutly THROBBING! I will start a little earlier in the story. After being told on wednesday that yes in deed I am developing osteoporosis at 24 I thought to my self: what's the damn point? I had plenty of calcium in my diet my whole life, didn't smoke, hardly drank, was athletic, spent time in the sun, etc. My calcium levels were fine, it's my vitamin D that's low...not enough time in the sun I guess. Well, anyway my cortisol levels were high too - the stress hormone...should I feel surprised?
So, on Thursday I decided to take up smoking. On friday I determined I would get royally smashed, which I proceeded to do. I now have the worst damn hangover I have ever had. This confirms scientific evidence that smoking increases the severity of hangovers. I think it has something to do with the extra load on your liver. At least I can chalk it down to experience and experimentation. You know, testing what the the media tells us. But I still would rather not feel ill.
Mind you, it's possible this hangover is a result of not taking my vitamins and hangover cure like I would usually - I need banannas.
The other thing to note about being both drunk and high on a 16mg Marlboro cigarette on your second day of smoking is that, besides being fun at the time, your sense of judgement is somewhat impeded.
Which leads me to: Sig! Seriously dude. I'm not sure what to make of your enthusiasm to aid me in my quest to get smashed. The drinks were appreciated...but to keep buying them when you know I've had enough was a little...wrong. The last drink he bought me disappeared...I closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them my drink was gone...so at least someone there had the sense to take it away. When some of my friends left the bar I didn't go with them, why? Because I didn't think I'd be able to walk!
After the bar, I needed to go to the security office to get a temporary access card because I'd left mine in my room. Sig accompanied me and then walked me home, fair enough, right to my bedroom door...he always does for some reason. I think I know the reason. But seriously! Does he really think he's going to get some action? And another thing..does he REALLY feel like it's ok to take advantage of a girl who can barely walk? We kissed though. Want to hear something weird? He's only the second guy in my whole life I've kissed. He's the first to try to do so without tongue. My gosh! My first kiss without tongue was at the age of 24. I have friends younger than me who are married.
Afterwards he was like "I hope things don't get awkward"...I was thinking "you idiot! Don't talk. Try making out with me some more..maybe a little groping". If you're going to take advantage at least make it something more...memorable. Maybe that was it. Maybe he felt it was as lacklusture as I did. I don't really like kissing. I'll keep trying though..if i can find someone who doesn't instantly make it sound like a mistake. I was drunk...people use that as an excuse all the time. At least leave the expression of regret til the following morning, it kinda ruins the mood.
So, on Thursday I decided to take up smoking. On friday I determined I would get royally smashed, which I proceeded to do. I now have the worst damn hangover I have ever had. This confirms scientific evidence that smoking increases the severity of hangovers. I think it has something to do with the extra load on your liver. At least I can chalk it down to experience and experimentation. You know, testing what the the media tells us. But I still would rather not feel ill.
Mind you, it's possible this hangover is a result of not taking my vitamins and hangover cure like I would usually - I need banannas.
The other thing to note about being both drunk and high on a 16mg Marlboro cigarette on your second day of smoking is that, besides being fun at the time, your sense of judgement is somewhat impeded.
Which leads me to: Sig! Seriously dude. I'm not sure what to make of your enthusiasm to aid me in my quest to get smashed. The drinks were appreciated...but to keep buying them when you know I've had enough was a little...wrong. The last drink he bought me disappeared...I closed my eyes for a second and when I opened them my drink was gone...so at least someone there had the sense to take it away. When some of my friends left the bar I didn't go with them, why? Because I didn't think I'd be able to walk!
After the bar, I needed to go to the security office to get a temporary access card because I'd left mine in my room. Sig accompanied me and then walked me home, fair enough, right to my bedroom door...he always does for some reason. I think I know the reason. But seriously! Does he really think he's going to get some action? And another thing..does he REALLY feel like it's ok to take advantage of a girl who can barely walk? We kissed though. Want to hear something weird? He's only the second guy in my whole life I've kissed. He's the first to try to do so without tongue. My gosh! My first kiss without tongue was at the age of 24. I have friends younger than me who are married.
Afterwards he was like "I hope things don't get awkward"...I was thinking "you idiot! Don't talk. Try making out with me some more..maybe a little groping". If you're going to take advantage at least make it something more...memorable. Maybe that was it. Maybe he felt it was as lacklusture as I did. I don't really like kissing. I'll keep trying though..if i can find someone who doesn't instantly make it sound like a mistake. I was drunk...people use that as an excuse all the time. At least leave the expression of regret til the following morning, it kinda ruins the mood.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
I like my coffee bitter and frothing a little...like me
MEN!!! Bloody obnoxious, self-absorbed and self pitying men! So, you know how in my previous post I was like "oh I now know a really nice genuine guy who makes me want to wait for a special guy to come and sweep me off my feet"?
Well, I still think he's kinda a nice guy..in a "you'll accept he's a sleaze because you're his sister and so he treats you quite nicely" kinda way. In other words, I am not, nor does it appear I will ever be, anything other than a sisterly type figure. Yet, for whatever reason, he was so sleezy to at least 3 other girls last night that they ran to my flatmate in disgust.
Why am I always seen like family? Why does every attractive guy want to hug, tease and protect me and treat me like his sister? I had so much damn cleavage showing last night...and admittedly I (well, I should say "they") got some attention. Actually..that felt weird..I'll come back to that later. But my point is..guys I'm actually INTERESTED in don't feel any "sparks" with me. Only a few guys I'm not really in to seem to think I'm sexy.
Also weird, why do people keep thinking I'm 3-5 years younger than I am? What? Do I look like I'm still trying to get over puberty..cause I am.
Ok...boobs...now, like I said they were out last night. The guy who I previously named sigmund was at the bar we went to. During one conversation I was having with my flatmate, Sig was sitting between me and the flatmate...I'll probably talk about this flatmate alot in the future so I'll call him Bill..and I noticed him mid stare at my breasts (Sig, not Bill..Bill didn't even glance)..the stare lasted quite a while longer and since his jaw had already dropped there was a little bit of droolage. Also, another guy took up a convienent perch above me for the majority of the night and was unusually interested in talking to me. I didn't catch him looking though..which earns my admiration. Because, if I'm honest...I like to feel sexy..not dirty. Right, so..the weird part..at the end of the night. When we were walking home Sig and Polly (guy on the perch) were each poking and "guiding" me in the direction of home..basically doing whatever was convenient to touch me. Now they weren't doing this an overly sleezy way...but my gosh it felt weird. But not bad. Which is why I was like "what the hell". I mean it felt like I was having foreplay with two men at the same time. It was messed up, and in the past I would've thought completely gross...but I liked it. For the first time in my life I could actually imagine enjoying promiscuous sex or a threesome with two men. And men together repulses me..jokes about multiple men and one women completely made me sick..until last night.
Over and out
Well, I still think he's kinda a nice guy..in a "you'll accept he's a sleaze because you're his sister and so he treats you quite nicely" kinda way. In other words, I am not, nor does it appear I will ever be, anything other than a sisterly type figure. Yet, for whatever reason, he was so sleezy to at least 3 other girls last night that they ran to my flatmate in disgust.
Why am I always seen like family? Why does every attractive guy want to hug, tease and protect me and treat me like his sister? I had so much damn cleavage showing last night...and admittedly I (well, I should say "they") got some attention. Actually..that felt weird..I'll come back to that later. But my point is..guys I'm actually INTERESTED in don't feel any "sparks" with me. Only a few guys I'm not really in to seem to think I'm sexy.
Also weird, why do people keep thinking I'm 3-5 years younger than I am? What? Do I look like I'm still trying to get over puberty..cause I am.
Ok...boobs...now, like I said they were out last night. The guy who I previously named sigmund was at the bar we went to. During one conversation I was having with my flatmate, Sig was sitting between me and the flatmate...I'll probably talk about this flatmate alot in the future so I'll call him Bill..and I noticed him mid stare at my breasts (Sig, not Bill..Bill didn't even glance)..the stare lasted quite a while longer and since his jaw had already dropped there was a little bit of droolage. Also, another guy took up a convienent perch above me for the majority of the night and was unusually interested in talking to me. I didn't catch him looking though..which earns my admiration. Because, if I'm honest...I like to feel sexy..not dirty. Right, so..the weird part..at the end of the night. When we were walking home Sig and Polly (guy on the perch) were each poking and "guiding" me in the direction of home..basically doing whatever was convenient to touch me. Now they weren't doing this an overly sleezy way...but my gosh it felt weird. But not bad. Which is why I was like "what the hell". I mean it felt like I was having foreplay with two men at the same time. It was messed up, and in the past I would've thought completely gross...but I liked it. For the first time in my life I could actually imagine enjoying promiscuous sex or a threesome with two men. And men together repulses me..jokes about multiple men and one women completely made me sick..until last night.
Over and out
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
That special someone...
It's odd how often I get attracted to guys and think..there are so many guys, how could I possibly pick one over the other? I keep hearing that when that "special someone" comes along, that guy who is right for me, then I'll know. People often say that if you can't choose one then choose none, because you haven't found "him". I keep thinking that's nonsense.
I've fallen for a few guys in my time and never ended up with any of them. There are a few guys I like at the moment. And, although I know in the past that when I really like a guy then I have eyes for no others...when I kinda like a few I think that this time it's different. That I really do have a hard choice. That is until anouther of those really special guys come along.
It's then that I realise that what I often try to deny is the truth. Some guys out there are so special they are worth waiting for. This is probably not be the guy, but at the moment other guys fade away.
This guy would be surprised that I think so highly of him. In fact, he is someone I haven't really spoken to much except briefly today when I ran into him at Coles.
After spending two hours with another guy today, I think I will call him Sigmund (meaning: protector), I don't know what to say. Sigmund is a very nice guy. I enjoy talking to and spending time with him more than I would've expected. We could be good friends. But, I really don't think we could be more. And I've been tossing up how to treat him for weeks. At first, he came across as insensitive and callous. I wanted confirmation of my attractivness as a female and was considering whether to flirt with him simply because I didn't like him enough to worry about leading him on. Then I decided that would be bad. Next came his (messy) break up with his girlfriend. Then came my emotional breakdown..which he seems to be caring and considerate about. Then I was like, this could be ok. Now I see that I can never feel about him the way I should. The terrible thing is that people always see things the way they want to see it.
Case in point: I was leaving a party. A friend asked Sigmund to come. He looked at me..what was I supposed to say "no, don't come"? He complained about his lack of money. I was as disuasive as I could possibly be without sounding like I didn't want him to come. I was like "well..it is good to save money..." *hint*. He came, and thanked me later in the night for "convincing" him. And again today saying I gave him "puppy dog eyes". For goodness sake! No, sweetie...I didn't, and that grabbing you by the shoulders and saying "come"...that was a Claire, not me.
Moving on...maybe
I've fallen for a few guys in my time and never ended up with any of them. There are a few guys I like at the moment. And, although I know in the past that when I really like a guy then I have eyes for no others...when I kinda like a few I think that this time it's different. That I really do have a hard choice. That is until anouther of those really special guys come along.
It's then that I realise that what I often try to deny is the truth. Some guys out there are so special they are worth waiting for. This is probably not be the guy, but at the moment other guys fade away.
This guy would be surprised that I think so highly of him. In fact, he is someone I haven't really spoken to much except briefly today when I ran into him at Coles.
After spending two hours with another guy today, I think I will call him Sigmund (meaning: protector), I don't know what to say. Sigmund is a very nice guy. I enjoy talking to and spending time with him more than I would've expected. We could be good friends. But, I really don't think we could be more. And I've been tossing up how to treat him for weeks. At first, he came across as insensitive and callous. I wanted confirmation of my attractivness as a female and was considering whether to flirt with him simply because I didn't like him enough to worry about leading him on. Then I decided that would be bad. Next came his (messy) break up with his girlfriend. Then came my emotional breakdown..which he seems to be caring and considerate about. Then I was like, this could be ok. Now I see that I can never feel about him the way I should. The terrible thing is that people always see things the way they want to see it.
Case in point: I was leaving a party. A friend asked Sigmund to come. He looked at me..what was I supposed to say "no, don't come"? He complained about his lack of money. I was as disuasive as I could possibly be without sounding like I didn't want him to come. I was like "well..it is good to save money..." *hint*. He came, and thanked me later in the night for "convincing" him. And again today saying I gave him "puppy dog eyes". For goodness sake! No, sweetie...I didn't, and that grabbing you by the shoulders and saying "come"...that was a Claire, not me.
Moving on...maybe
Monday, September 3, 2007
People who share my name can be porn stars but not crappy novelists...
I thought I'd do a search of my name and see who turns up. Overwhelmingly, search results yield information on a roman catholic, ex-pornstar who has starred in over 2000 movies with such titles as "naughty nursies". That's ok. I can have respect for this woman, afterall she now has an MA and a PhD and is involved in a good many causes.
What does tick me off is another woman, a novelist. The first book of hers I discovered (not the first she's written) begins with a woman trying to concieve (and all the cheap thrills that go with it). She is terrified she wont be able to - and here's the kicker - because she has problems with her estrogen production EXACTLY LIKE ME!!! This is one of my greatest fears. That I will never be able to have a baby because quite frankly I've never had normal hormone levels.
Why I'm pissed off is because she get's so close to my circumstance, shares my name, and then talks about her thyroid..WTF?!? The thyroid has nothing to do with it. What kind of a bloomin' writer does zero research into the FIRST page of her novels?
Here I am having bone density scans because I might be developing osteoporosis at the age of 24, having to take time off from hanging out with my friends to provide 24 hour urine samples for testing, having responsibilites to run sunday school at church knowing I might be unable to concieve, studying the f*ckin endocrine system as part of my medical science degree, and here's this novelist with not enough respect to at least doing a bloody google search to see which gland(s) to hold responsible for estrogen and FSH etc.
Seriously, I just think that's so messed up.
What does tick me off is another woman, a novelist. The first book of hers I discovered (not the first she's written) begins with a woman trying to concieve (and all the cheap thrills that go with it). She is terrified she wont be able to - and here's the kicker - because she has problems with her estrogen production EXACTLY LIKE ME!!! This is one of my greatest fears. That I will never be able to have a baby because quite frankly I've never had normal hormone levels.
Why I'm pissed off is because she get's so close to my circumstance, shares my name, and then talks about her thyroid..WTF?!? The thyroid has nothing to do with it. What kind of a bloomin' writer does zero research into the FIRST page of her novels?
Here I am having bone density scans because I might be developing osteoporosis at the age of 24, having to take time off from hanging out with my friends to provide 24 hour urine samples for testing, having responsibilites to run sunday school at church knowing I might be unable to concieve, studying the f*ckin endocrine system as part of my medical science degree, and here's this novelist with not enough respect to at least doing a bloody google search to see which gland(s) to hold responsible for estrogen and FSH etc.
Seriously, I just think that's so messed up.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Why the f*ck is that?
Have you ever noticed that complements always seem to mean so much more when said with an explicative? Whenever something says something nice about me I always seem to doubt it or dismiss it. But if someone adds a swear word it really makes my day! I feel genuine happiness! It's like if someone says I'm pretty..I think "you're just being nice". But dirty it up a little and it's no longer some dull nicety said in civil conversation.
I was on my way to a nightclub Saturday night and one of my friends asked me if I'd noticed one of the guys flirting with me earlier. I obviously hadn't 'cause I'm thick as a sandwich made of 2 planks and a walrus. She then said to me in reference to my popularity of late "you're like fucking Miss America!". Gosh, I think that's one of the best compliments I've ever had!
1. Because I didn't realise I've been popular; and
2. Because I really want someone to screw America ;)
I was on my way to a nightclub Saturday night and one of my friends asked me if I'd noticed one of the guys flirting with me earlier. I obviously hadn't 'cause I'm thick as a sandwich made of 2 planks and a walrus. She then said to me in reference to my popularity of late "you're like fucking Miss America!". Gosh, I think that's one of the best compliments I've ever had!
1. Because I didn't realise I've been popular; and
2. Because I really want someone to screw America ;)
When I was traveling through Thailand (alone) I met a miscellaneous group of 3 guys who were friends. One of them, a Canadian who I was rather enamoured of, stated when he found out it was my first time overseas that I was "pretty F***ing good for a first timer". This rocked my world and filled me full of hormone based confidence!!!
Damn that was an awesome trip!
Signing off..I'm 5 mins late to class (which means I'm getting better)
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I am an idiot...
I want to be at Uni. I like Uni, so why the hell am I not going to my classes at Uni? Because I'm a *bleep*ing moron that's why.
So here I am instead, making my first blog entry about how much I'm continually screwing up my life rather than actually doing something about fixing up the great big freakin mess I've made.
I have two physics tests tommorrow. Each worth 10%. What kind of jerks put 2 tests for the same subject on the same bloomin day! I've no clue about physics. I wouldn't be nearly so far up shyt creek if I had actually turned up to..what..at least half of my lectures, rather than..what the last 1/2 hour of 3 lectures. I suck!
My friends all went out to dinner tonight to celebrate my flatmates birthday. Did I go? No. Why? Because I was going to study. Did I? No. Why? Because I'm a big *bleep*ing moron... Oh, don't get me wrong..I tried..a little, but knowing absolutlely nothing does make it a tad difficult to do practice questions. So does not actually owning a textbook. I managed to borrow one from a friend who would only lend it to after they were going to go to bed. He picks tonight of all nights to go to bed at midnight rather than 8:00pm like usual. So, now I've got the text I might actually start to understand some of this crap...ha! I'm so going to fail. Then I'll be doomed since tommorrow worth a freaking huge 20%. Jerks!
So here I am instead, making my first blog entry about how much I'm continually screwing up my life rather than actually doing something about fixing up the great big freakin mess I've made.
I have two physics tests tommorrow. Each worth 10%. What kind of jerks put 2 tests for the same subject on the same bloomin day! I've no clue about physics. I wouldn't be nearly so far up shyt creek if I had actually turned up to..what..at least half of my lectures, rather than..what the last 1/2 hour of 3 lectures. I suck!
My friends all went out to dinner tonight to celebrate my flatmates birthday. Did I go? No. Why? Because I was going to study. Did I? No. Why? Because I'm a big *bleep*ing moron... Oh, don't get me wrong..I tried..a little, but knowing absolutlely nothing does make it a tad difficult to do practice questions. So does not actually owning a textbook. I managed to borrow one from a friend who would only lend it to after they were going to go to bed. He picks tonight of all nights to go to bed at midnight rather than 8:00pm like usual. So, now I've got the text I might actually start to understand some of this crap...ha! I'm so going to fail. Then I'll be doomed since tommorrow worth a freaking huge 20%. Jerks!
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