How do I know?

I'm feeling hurt. I'm naming my friend whom I almost slept with Amon - In Egyptian mythology he was originally a god of the wind and the air and this name possibly means "hidden one". I have named his this because I feel as though he is hiding from me. It not like I saw him much before, but there is a distinctly different feel to his lack of presence lately.

I sent him a message yesterday saying that I heard he is back with his girlfriend and I'll probably be around if he wants to talk. He never responded. I just feel like I needed a response. He is not my boyfriend, I know. I don't want him to be my boyfriend...but I do want him as a friend. I don't want to lose him. Maybe it would be better for me though. I need re-birth. I need to regain my faith and ability to love. I do not show love like I once did. I have lost all wisdom by being around the unwise. But I do sense wisdom in him. I sense his ability to love and care for others. It does not surprise me he returned to his ex. I more than expected it. It would've surprised me deeply if they had remained apart. He isn't capable of cutting himself off from those he loves...like I have been learning to do. I want to lose this ability. I am losing it...which is why I find it difficult to let Amon go.

I need to investigate my motives though. I am not certain whether my desire to be there for him is because I want to feel important and trusted, or because I genuinely and unselfishly want to be there for him. I think at the moment the majority of my motivation is selfish. I don't want to feel obselete and be cast aside. But what is the unselfish thing to do? He must have other friends..do I trust that he can talk to them and wait for him to want me (if he ever does). Do I go over there and try to get his attention? I don't want to push myself on him. He is probably fine without me. But the thing is...I've been the person everyone thought was fine. I've been a person who has self-inflicted burns all up her arms and on her thighs and nobody has said anything because they just assumed there must be a logical explanantion. People hurt..and sometimes it takes specific people to care...am I needed? Or do I just want to be important? How can I know?

I thought we were friends

Raw anger
Violent trembling
every muscle in my body convulses
nauseous I weep
til the tears dry up
the salt stinging my skin
where I tried to scratch away the tears
my scalp is raw
dried blood from scraping and pulling at my hair
my left wrist has blisters
from trying to burn myself to distraction
these zombies eyes are blinded
through too much light they see a ghost in the mirror
my breasts are bruised from your teeth
and I ache everywhere you touched me
your poking, prodding, searching fingers
I can’t burn them away
I can’t scratch, or pull, or scrub them away
I can’t separate myself from this flesh
this pitiful, swollen creature
which I blame almost as much as you

Please don't...

Don’t leave me
I need you to stay
I’m scared to be alone

Don’t let me go
If I go out
someone might take advantage

Don’t hold me
but I need to feel loved
I’m so hurt I’m crying

Don’t kiss me
A kiss means nothing
So how can I say don’t kiss me

Don’t touch me
please I thought you were safe
I lean away and you think I’m drawing you onto me

Don’t hurt me
I thought we were friends
you can’t use my weakness against me

Don’t stop
I’ve been rejected before
I can’t cope with it again

Don’t leave me
You’ve hurt me so much
but I’m so scared to be alone

I must never be alone with a guy

Until a couple of months ago it had been 4 years since my last boyfriend. Then I dated a guy in my apartment block for about 2 weeks before we broke up. Since then I've ended up almost sleeping with 2 other guys. This makes almost 3 guys I came VERY near to having sex with within about a 3 month period. I am, unbelievably, still a virgin.

The 1st was a guy, my 2 week boyfriend, never actually took me out. To be honest I don't think either of us really viewed it as a relationship. He just showed me attention and I was so scared of losing another guy to the "just friends" trap. We were physical though, but I never saw his without his pants. We broke up and now he has a girlfriend he goes everywhere with.

The night we broke up I went into the common room. (Where I live is a small student residence of about 10 townhouses) I ran into the friend of an ex-flatmate and he could see I was upset so he offered me a drink and so we had a drink in his kitchen. Then we went to his bedroom to watch a movie. He kept trying to kiss me and I kept saying no and he was like "sorry, sorry...stay!" We did make out for a bit since I (inevitably) gave in. He got way more touchy, obviously thinking he was about to get some action. I managed to leave when I realised he'd undone my bra! I shouldn't have gone back into his room on another day but I did, told him I wasn't interested in him and felt so guilty I woul've slept with him if he had had condoms in the room. I didn't even like him! But who wouldn't take no for an answer, and I find it so hard to say no.

The most recent is a friend who I asked to help me to say no in a way the other would understand. I told this guy friend about my problem with pretty much doing whatever I was told once I was alone in a guys bedroom. He is a friend, he'd just broken up with his girlfriend after 9 months and he still loves her. I thought I was safe. We went to his bedroom, it was cold outside, his loungeroom was full of his flatemates friends, and we were having a pretty private conversation so it seemed logical to go somewhere private and indoors.

We were talking, and I leaned back...I needed more space, I was leaning away...he thought I was being suggestive since we were on his bed. I didn't want to say I didn't want to kiss him because one day I might've, just not then...but I didn't want to lose the chance forever.

He kissed me and I did lean back onto the bed, I thought it would stop soon, but it didn't...and soon I went on autopilot...where all I want is to be wanted and I will do anything I'm asked..and more just to feel like I'm desirable.

He started telling me that I'm special, that I'm valuable and I started crying and trembling because it was too much. It's the stuff I always wanted to hear but now I no longer believe. He said it was ok, we could just be friends...and that he was "turned off". I couldn't deal with that. "Just friends?", "turned off?". After I'm already naked and vulnerable in his bed? So I tried to convince him I was ok. He resisted a little, then he looked at me and said "I really could ask you to do anything and you would do it, wouldn't you?". I told him I wasn't sure, but probably. He said "Ok, give me head and let me blow all over your face" - he knew I'd never given a blow job before. He thought I'd say no. But I said I'd prefer he not blow on my face. He was surprised, he said he'd tried to think of the most horrible thing he could. But then again, he still wanted me to do it. So I did, and he enjoyed. He never orgasmed though. I think he felt as wrong about it as I did.

He still loves his girlfriend though, and I wish it had never happened. I feel used. How can I still be friends with him? But I don't think I can deal with losing another guy who has had me so completely in his control.

Love me, hate me...just hold me

Your silence cuts me deeper
than the harshes curses
spat into my face

I need to feel your touch
even if hurled in hatred

Longingly I stalk the courtyard
Yearning to see you
but you are never where I can find you

Hungrily I seek to fulfil these cravings
the emptiness only deepens

I look like I’m having so much fun
Dancing, kissing, smiling

But I’m dying

I simply get dirtier
hatred spills like fire
venom erupts from inside me
I am poison
I am the lonliness that leads to desperation
I am the walking plague

I do anything to feel loved
but in the morning they will not call
and your friends will tell you what they saw
and you will hate me…I hope
or do I not matter enough for that?

Perhaps I'm being just a little paranoid.

I might be being irrational but i'm scared. Last night at about 1:00am (while I was still passed out - about 2 hours before I woke up and got friendly with a neighbour) J came back to my apartment. He was (I've been told) a bit drunk and gleeful about scoring a goon bag (wine cask with the box removed - a look I detest) for $2.

Why would he be coming back to my flat the same night we had undertaken such a serious discussion? Why the goon? Actually the goon makes sense - I'm more worried about what he was planning with his extra "courage". Was he going to dump me? Did he want some make-up action? Why the heck was he here?!? I'm panicking. I don't have the nerves for this.

Am I a slut?

I wanted to know where the line is. When does flirting go too far? How many guys can you flirt with before you become something...immoral? At what point does a flirt become a tease, a tease a slut or a slut a whore? When should I be loyal?

I have crossed more lines than I can believe. I think I might be a slut. Can you be a slut without having sex?

I used dictionary definitions to determine whether I am.

I am slovenly. Am I promiscuous? Affectionately, yes. Sexually? Hmm. Sexuality isn't just about intercourse so yes, I think I am. I never used to be. But...well, I'll explain using a story.

J, who I thought had a girlfriend didn't. He kinda does now...and that poor lass is yours truely. He is still much too young for me, and that has become blatently evident. Well, we were hot and heavy for 2 weeks before uni got busy. For the past week i've only caught glimpses of him. We were meant to go out last night but he pulled out at the last minute to spend time with a mate. I was deeply hurt by this...and while waiting for him to come over so I could talk to him had 4 standard drinks of vodka. I was a tad emotional. After he left I drank 3 bourbans and cried myself to sleep. At 3am I couldn't sleep so I went to the common room where I ran into a neighbour. He offered me a cigarette, I accepted, then he offered me vodka & OJ, again I accepted, then he offered me whiskey on the rocks which I was so happy to recieve he kept asking if I was drunk. I said no (I was sober at this point). Later he asked if I wanted to watch a movie. About 5 minutes into the movie he asked if he could kiss me...I said no. He kissed me anyway. We made out for a bit and everytime I tried to leave he was like "ok, I'll stop" then 2 seconds later he was at it again. I left when he undid my bra. The thing is, I did reciprocate the kissing, and I did let him put his hands all over my body. I desperately crave physical touch, so for J to suddenly deprive me of it...it's painful. But what is scarier is that, although I left, I still let things get to a point where I was cheating on J. It's one thing to justify kissing someone when you're single, but for me to do so when in a relationship (even one that is on the rocks) is so against my core values it's unthinkable. I put myself in that position. I wanted to feel desired. I needed to be desired. And I don't know how to control that impulse. I do things because of this compulsion. I want to be a good person. I want to remain pure and loyal. But to get someone to hold me the way I need...I'd do almost anything. For a man to hold me like that he needs to want want me. My lack of discernment in who I want to desire me is why I match the definition of a slut.

Slut
Main Entry: slut Pronunciation: \ˈslət\ Function: noun Etymology: Middle English slutte Date: 15th century 1chiefly British : a slovenly woman
2 a: a promiscuous woman; especially : prostitute b: a saucy girl : href="http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/minx">minx

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary

Main Entry: minx Pronunciation: \ˈmiŋ(k)s\ Function: noun Etymology: origin unknown Date: 1576 1 : a pert girl 2 : a wanton woman

Main Entry: pert Function: adjective Etymology: Middle English, evident, attractive, saucy, short for apert evident, from Anglo-French, from Latin apertus open, from past participle of aperire to open Date: 14th century 1 a: saucily free and forward : flippantly cocky and assured b: being trim and chic : jaunty c: piquantly stimulating 2: lively, vivacious

Main Entry: Wanton Function: noun 1 a: one given to self-indulgent flirtation or trifling
Function: adjective a: lewd, bawdy b: causing sexual excitement : lustful, sensual

My heart is weird

Sorry that I've been MIA. I think I'm back now...we'll see.

On Tuesday sadness and mild relief flooded me. The status of the guy I've had a crush on for the last 4 years was changed from single to "in a relationship". Subtlety is not really a strong point of mine, so of course I immeadiatly sent through a message asking who the lucky girl was. He told me a year ago he wasn't interested and so I've tried to remain cool headed whilest near him and moved 1.5 hours away. As a result any passion or personality I possessed was hidden by distance (both emotional and physical). So I figured I had lost my chance to convince him that I am desirable. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder.

The next day I checked my email...it had been a prank. He is still single. What now? At first I saw this as the second chance I had wanted the night before. Deep inside though I wished it wasn't a prank. I want him happily off the market. Then I could move on. I feel this aweful obligation to wait for him to see and love me. It's senseless.

Last night I was on a pub crawl. It was the strangest one of my life. Just months ago I remember sitting on a window sill, alone in the Lowenbrau (german pub in the rocks, sydney), just watching. No-one talking to me, and that was the way I liked it. That was the equivelent pub crawl I was on last night. Except this time I spoke to so many people, and had so many people I wanted to speak to (and who wanted to speak to me) I could hardly walk two meters without joining another conversation or being hugged. I had to excuse myself to talk to other people on quite a few occassions. I've never felt so liked. It was such a foreign feeling. I felt attractive, confident...shocked. Why were all these people being so friendly? I didn't even know they knew my name. I still don't understand.

I was stupid later that night. There were few people left and I saw a guy I had met a few days earlier. I danced with him. He got close and I thought "why not let him? Nobody is here. There are no cameras." He wanted to kiss me and I thought "why not? I need practice.". Please realise, this is now the 3rd guy in my whole life I've kissed. I will turn 25 this year (Damn, 25!). I think I did ok. I had smoked not long before (don't chastise me!) and my breath was thorougly disgusting I'm sure. He had been chewing gum, which of course made his intentions blatently obvious. The kissing was technically better that my first and only boyfriend, mostly because I had more of an idea of what you're meant to do when a guy sticks his tongue in your mouth (I did a search on youtube). But of the 3 kissers I think I desired no. 3 the least. There was no chemisty. It was passionless and boring. It was like someone head-butting me with his lips. Way too hard and he was hurting my neck. I think no. 2 was the best kisser, even though he didn't use his tongue (or maybe because he didn't). I think he'd make a good lover...which I wouldn't really have expected from him.

I getting sidetracked.

Today though I felt gross and cheap. I gave no.3 my phone no. He didn't call or even message. That's ok. He's a dickhead.

My flatmate, a Korean woman of 28, was so drunk and crazy we couldn't get her into the taxi. She wanted to walk home. I hopped out of the taxi and prevented my male bangladeshi flatmate from getting in and off we went. An hour later we arrived home. At one stage I had to put on my high heels so she could walk in my flat shoes. Then I stayed awake for another hour because I knew that something was bothering her and she needed to talk. She told me she feels lonely and she wants to try to become a part of the close group that I have with two of my flatmates. How do you tell someone they are wanting the impossible? It took 6 months, effort and luck to form those relationships. R and T (the 2 flatmates I'm speaking about) have lived over a year together.

I went to bed at 5am (incidently the time it is now). I forced myself out of bed at 9am for work. I came home, slept, etc. I later spoke to a guy who lives in my building called J. We chatted for hours and he cooked me dinner. My gosh he is a remarkable person! But I think he has a girlfriend and anyway, he is only 19! When I gratuated high school, he began it. Urgh!

But he is more amazing even then Nick (my crush of 4 years). He is so intellegent. He speaks Hungarian; loves Physics, science and history, and he volunteers for a student exchange organisation. He plays the violin, viola and the mandolin. When I saw his mandolin I cried! (How embarrasing!!!) It was the most beautiful object I have ever held. To be allowed to be so close to such magnificence was one thing, oh! But to hold it! It was bitter sweet bliss. It was like swimming inside a history book.

I want to tell you something weird now. Years ago I went to the easter show. I bought a showbag with about 5 stuffed toys. One of them was a stuffed green teddy bear. For some reason I loved this bear the moment I saw it. And the moment I first saw it I knew it's name...Fergus. It's not the sort of name I commonly use. It came from nowhere. It wasn't even like I named it, Fergus was just his name. I put Fergus on a shelf with all the other trinkets I bought as "just in case" presents. No matter how much I tried I just couldn't bring myself to give him away. When I moved out of home last year I was going to leave everything I didn't need at home. But I wanted Fergus, so he came with me. I've moved twice since and he is still with me. So, what is my point? Ah! Guess what J's nickname is? Fergus.